apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
