I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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