Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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