Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
