I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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