It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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