Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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