overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
