My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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