i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
