i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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