I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
