I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
