Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
