dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
