There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
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I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The uberlube is also flammable
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I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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