Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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