she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
