He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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