I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
