As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
