Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
