They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
