Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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