I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
