peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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