i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm getting married
To pizza
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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