OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
