I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
