I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
