if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
