there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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