I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
