I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
