I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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