I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The Olympian is in my bed
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
