do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
