I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My ATM looks so different sober.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
