I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
