Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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