Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
