just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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