Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
