I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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