Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
