i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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