If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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