John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
