I like to think it a success when the cops are called
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
