just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
