rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
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To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
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Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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