Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
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Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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