Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
