Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm too high and old for this...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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