Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
