I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
